


after the crash come the waves

by sternenrotz



Series: broken hearts hurt but they make us strong (queer horror verse) [9]
Category: The Horrors (Band)
Genre: (one brief but surprisingly graphic anal sex scene), Christmas, Coming Out, Emotional Baggage, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Reunions, Nonbinary Character, Other, discussion of children once again, gender feels, mentions of cis fuckery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 09:00:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sternenrotz/pseuds/sternenrotz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh spends Christmas with Tom's family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	after the crash come the waves

**Author's Note:**

> titled after "You Said" by... the Horrors, incidentally.
> 
> set over Christmas 2013. as always, Josh uses ey/em/eir as default pronouns but doesn't like to label eir gender, Tom is the token cisgender friend. also as always, expect the typical amount of ignorance coming from cis folks.

Tom walks back in from the-en suite with a simple, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Josh says back.

Ey's lying horizontally across the big bed, but it’s not big enough for eir head and feet to not hang over the edges. Like this, ey can only see Tom's legs and crotch up to his waistline when he walks over to sit next to em.

Ey asks, “You know what's weird?”

“What?”

Josh tips eir head further back, so far back ey feels dizzy with the blood rush. Ey’s even dizzier with the tipsiness off the Sangiovese, which is definitely the most expensive thing ey's ever drank, and that’s _also_ weird.

“You ever realise that your family is so rich it's fucked up?”

Ey plants eir feet on the soft duvet, knees pointed up at the ceiling. Eir bare legs itch where they rub together, ticklish with the hairs growing back in.

“What?”

“Your family is so rich,” Josh repeats, slower this time, “It's fucked up.”

At the same time, Tom says, “Yeah. Yeah, I guess.”

Josh raises eir head to look right at him, and ey rearranges emself so ey doesn't have to strain eir neck that much.

Ey says, “I mean, I never really got that deeply into the whole class conflict discussion, but I'm pretty sure nobody needs that much money.”

Tom laughs, short and low. He says, “But you weren’t complaining during dinner earlier on.”

He's so annoying when he's saying things like this, but Josh doesn't want to get deeper into this discussion. Ey really did never get into the class conflict discussion.

“Yeah, well. Just 'cause I think your family is too posh for their own good doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good roast dinner, can I?”

Really, Josh also is that annoying.

“And wine,” Tom says.

“Yeah, and your weird expensive wine.”

Josh rolls over onto eir side when the nausea that comes with this angle gets too bad. Like this, ey can rest eir gut on the mattress, one hand planted where it feels too full with Christmas. Ey's slightly disgusted with emself for that, really, almost feels like the filling is coming out. But then, ey also spent the whole day squeezed into eir binder, so maybe ey _deserves_ to be disgusting and spilled across the be d.

“Give me a pillow.”

Tom wordlessly passes one over, and Josh shoves it underneath eir head.

“Cheers.”

Now ey can properly see Tom's face, finally. He’s pink from the wine, eyes fixated on em like he's never seen anything like that in his life.

“Don't look at me like that.”

“Like how?”

He laughs again, like a schoolboy trying to flirt. With his hair like that, he really does look much younger than normally to suit it. Granted, the beard balances it out, but still, it's strange.

“Like how you always look at me,” Josh says, and ey adds, “You look like a child with your hair like this. Like a child with a beard.”

Ey reaches out a hand all the way up to Tom's face to pet over where it's fuzzy. Tom chokes out a weird half-chuckle of a noise.

“Ew.”

“Better than looking like you could be my dad,” Josh says back, but the hand pulls away and goes back to rest on eir tit where it belongs. “Or like I could be your trophy wife.”

“ _Wife_ ,” Tom says back.

He leans back against the headboard with a stupid grin on his face, and he grabs another pillow to hug it to his chest. There's too many fucking _pillows_ in this bed, although that really just means exactly the right amount of pillows. W hich, to be fair, is an excessive amount.

“Your trophy spouse,” Josh corrects emself, and ey sticks eir tongue out. “Your gender neutral sugar offspring.”

“Gross,” Tom says.

He rearranges himself on the bed until he's lying right across from Josh, pale skinny limbs all scattered across the mattress. Tom reaches out and rubs his thumb over the soft part of Josh's cheek. For some reason.

“Like you aren't basically my sugar daddy, taking me on vacation with your bourgie family,” Josh says, and ey cackles. Really, though, that's a completely factual statement.

“Gross,” Tom repeats.

“That's so fucked up,” Josh continues. Not the sugar daddy thing, that is.

Tom's dad and his wife rent out this big house in the Scottish countryside every year to spend the holidays in with their excessive number of children. So when Tom offhandedly mentioned plan while they were all having takeaway dinner in the studio earlier this month, Josh accepted his offer to come along.

In all fairness, there’s only so many times a year ey can stomach eir own family, and only so many Christmases ey can stomach Joe and Dilys and their families. Or Mike's family, for that matter, which ey only did twice, the Christmas they were still going out and the year after that. Tom's family… ey supposes they're the lesser of those evils, even if their whole lifestyle is kind of foreign and over-the-top. At least ey's getting good food and posh wine out of it, and the big bedroom ey’s sharing with Tom has a king-sized bed and an enclosed bathroom with a big tub. Ey's pretty sure that's posher than a good portion of the posh hotels they stayed in over tour.

Tom says, “Honestly.” He does that motion with his thumb on Josh's cheek again, just barely grazing the corner of eir mouth. “What did you think of them? Other than the poshness?”

Josh shrugs, and, as part of the motion, ey invariably presses eir head deeper into the pillow and eir thumb deeper into the tissue of eir tit. Apparently ey pulls a face at that, because Tom laughs once again.

“They're nice, I guess,” ey says. “Especially the little ones.” Tom's little half-brother and his two half-sisters.

“'m glad.” Tom gives em a bright smile, only made brighter by the contrast between white teeth and dark fuzz on his face. “Pretty sure they like you too.”

Josh's not sure what to say to something like that. Besides, ey's that little bit drunk to begin with, so ey just giggles. Even through squinty eyes, ey can tell Tom's chuckling right back at em. It's a nice moment, nice enough Josh doesn't even mind when Tom rubs his thumb over the sensitive spot at the back of eir neck, tender but still ticklish.

“You excited for Christmas morning? Ready to unwrap your present?” Tom asks, then.

It _technically_ suits what this conversation is about, but he's got that weird paternal tone in his voice when he says it, the one he normally only uses in a very different context. I n this whole sugar-parent context Josh can't help but keep on drunkenly cackling.

“Hey,” Tom says, then, with the E all drawn out, when Josh doesn't _stop_.  “I'm your sugar daddy, I have to ask you these questions.”

He keeps stroking Josh's neck, the tender bit on the side where the big vein is.

Josh says, “ _G_ _ross_ ,” and draws the word out long the same way Tom just did.

Ey rolls over away from Tom, but with the giggles still hiccuping from eir mouth, then to the bottom edge of the bed so ey can sit up.

“Hey,” Tom says. “Hey, Bear, where're you going?”

“I have to piss,” Josh says, and ey picks emself up.

It's a lie. Really, ey only goes to the bathroom to create a divide, to get away from that conversation topic and the weirdly heavy flirting. Or to draw a line… _t_ _he_ line. Because somewhere along the line that thought ey had earlier on cropped up again, and ey's not going to segue right into it when Tom's calling himself eir sugar daddy and caressing eir neck. Also, ey's drunker than ey realised before when ey enters the bathroom, squinting at how much brighter than the bedroom it is.

Ey squints once again when ey pulls eir knickers down to sit on the toilet, to at least pretend that's why ey's here. Josh drops eir head into eir hands and breathes loudly to have something to focus on, and ey waits. Ten breaths, twenty, thirty, a minute's worth of breathing. Ey waits that long before standing up and washing eir hands, and ey splashes eir face with cool water.

Maybe ey pulls up eir the t-shirt past eir tits in the mirror, too, the oldest and baggiest bear-print one ey owns, and ey pulls eir knickers to the side and down with the other hand to flash eir reflection. Just because ey can. But only maybe.

Josh says, “False alarm,” when ey walks back into the bedroom. When ey goes to lie next to Tom once again, on eir back this time, ey says, “I was thinking.”

Now there’s been a divide, so ey may as well say it.

“Yeah?”

“I wanna come out to your family.” It's surprisingly a lot less scary to hear it out loud, although it still feels like a brick compressing eir chest when Josh says it. And another brick in eir throat. Ey looks up at the white of the ceiling, the halo of soft light from the lamp. “Tomorrow.”

Tom rustles about on the sheets next to em. He asks, “You sure?”

The way he says it is much calmer than Josh would've expected it from him. Too calm, considering… well, considering ey's only told about five people who ey hasn't slept with. Even then, that was after ey spent ages considering it, and definitely not when ey only just met Dilys' family once.

Josh makes a noncommittal noise and shuts eir eyes. Well, ey pretty much _is_ , or at least ey thought ey was until Tom asked, even if he didn’t sound discouraging in any way. Ey can tell Tom’s looking right at em, even with eir eyes closed, so ey covers eir face with eir arms.

“I don’t _know_ ,” ey says, drawn out so long it doesn’t sound like much of anything. “I mean. It can’t go that _bad_ , right?”

Well, at least that’s what ey gathered from what Dilys and Joe had said, from that time they both spent Christmas at Tom’s. Josh smothers eir mouth and nose deeper with one arm, and the crease of eir elbow smells like salty sweat and soap.

“Yeah. I don’t think they’d have a problem with it or anything.”

Josh hums into eir elbow. “It’s like Di said, they were really accepting when she came out. So it’s just… ‘s just nerves, probably.”

Actually, this position isn’t too comfortable, so ey rolls back onto eir side, arm still securely planted across eir face. Ey lets out a long noise of frustration, muffled against the skin.

Until Tom finally says, “Hey.” His hand goes to stroke from the sensitive spot on Josh’s neck down to eir shoulder, and he says, “Shush, Bear.”

Josh makes another, smaller frustrated noise.

“I didn’t mean to… you know, _discourage_ you or anything, okay? I think you should tell them if you want. If it makes you feel more comfortable.”

Josh removes eir arm only to see Tom giving em another bright, encouraging smile, fingers still playing at eir clavicle. Ey hums again.

“It’s not I’m really uncomfortable with them thinking I’m a man. Not, like, massively dysphoria uncomfortable.” Ey laughs.

Tom just gives em that understanding-but-only-sort-of smile he’s got.

“I just don’t really want to have to wear my binder every day for another four days, mainly.”

Tom laughs back, and he says, “So it’ll make you more comfortable either way when you tell them.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Josh rubs eir head down against the pillowcase, and ey says, “I want a cup of tea.”

“I’ll make you one,” Tom offers, immediately. “Okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s. Of course.” It’s _too much_ , suddenly, and Josh smothers eir face deeper in the pillow once again.

“Just five minutes.”

Ey can feel Tom’s weight shifting off the mattress when he leaves. For a few more seconds, ey stays like that, until ey can’t hear Tom’s steps in the hallway anymore. Just the fact that ey came along to this is too much, everything Tom’s been doing for em. It’s _too much_ , and Josh picks emself up and goes to the bathroom once again.

Ey winds up sitting on the toilet seat with eir knickers round eir ankles for too long once again, too, and there’s a barely-perceptible flicker in the light that makes eir brain ache even more. Josh rests eir head in eir hands, so by the time ey stands up there’s a fat red mark on each of eir thighs where ey had eir elbows. Ey pulls eir knickers back up and washes eir hands.

Eir eyes look bare and empty in the mirror when ey looks this time, pupils blown big under the bright lighting, and to some extent, eir whole face does. It’s not as bad as the harsh neon lighting they’ve got in club bathrooms, the one that’s supposedly for putting on makeup in a windowless room, but still bad. Ey looks even more washed-out thinking about that. Josh splashes eir face with water from the sink once again, and this time, ey feels naked, more than ey already is in eir knickers, that is. Ey’s naked without the coat of mascara and soft lipstick ey’s got on even in _boy mode_ , normally, and that’s so stupid. This is all way too much, and Josh’s had a bit too much of that stupid expensive wine.

Josh sprawls out properly on the big bed when ey walks back into the room, approximately five pillows propping em up against the headboard. Ey uses the switch by the side of the bed to turn off the large overhead lamp and put on the nightlights instead, and ey slides one hand into eir knickers. Might as well find one way to relieve the tension, even if eir cunt feels foreign and leathery underneath eir fingers. Maybe Tom will find em wanking and decide he really wants to help em out with his cock, and everything will be back to normal.

Tom comes in when it’s been some minutes, maybe, and Josh hasn’t really gotten anywhere.

He says, “Hey,” very matter of fact. Like maybe he doesn’t even notice Josh’s got a hand down eir pants.

“Hey,” Josh says back. With eir free hand, ey accepts the teacup only to put it on the bedside table. “Cheers.”

“Not a problem,” Tom says.

He settles in on his side of the bed with that stupid smile back on his face, and it’s too much, and he didn’t even bring a cup for himself, which is _way_ too much.

Josh pulls eir hand back from where ey had two fingers rubbing eir cock only to put it back there, except this time ey pulls eir knickers to the side to give Tom a solid view of eir cunt.

“So,” ey says. Ey spreads eir legs a bit wider when Tom’s gaze trails down down to eir cunt. “How about we have disgusting sex in your parents’ rented house right now? For Christmas?”

“D’you want to?” Tom asks.

Josh already lifts eir legs to slip off eir knickers.

“‘f course I want to. That’s the whole fun in staying at your house, isn’t it?” Ey laughs and adds, “Asides from the bourgie dinners.”

Ey beckons for Tom to come closer, which he does, close enough to press a kiss against Josh’s mouth. The fuzz on his face is ticklish, and Josh has to suppress a cackle.

“It’s like being on tour. Big hotel bed sex.”

Tom says, “I don’t know, though,” because he’s too much like that. “I didn’t even bring condoms.”

“Well, that’s a shame,” Josh says. Ey reaches between their bodies to push eir shirt up past eir tits and says, “You should always bring protection when you’re taking me places.”

“Yeah. Guess I should’ve come prepared.”

Still, Tom’s hands find their way to Josh’s tits and squeeze them together. His thumb catches on the ball of the piercing on the left side, and Josh figures he’s not really relenting.

“They’ve got scentless hand lotion in the bathroom,” ey says, and ey brings eir hands up to Tom’s skinny shoulders. “And I’ve got a water bottle to clean myself out.”

He’s wearing a dressing gown he stole out of a hotel room years ago to bed, only his pants underneath. Of _course_ he is, apparently committed to the hot nerdy dad look.

“So that’s an option, you know?”

Instead of replying, Tom only hums and presses another kiss to Josh’s mouth.

“And we’ve got your belt and my belt, and I brought a scarf. So you could tie me up with those, probably, and you can stuff my pants in my mouth for a gag…”

Alright, Josh’s just fantasising out loud by now. They could also fuck in the tub, probably, or on the floor if Tom’s worried about the headboard disturbing his family. Ey really just wants Tom’s cock in at least two holes on eir body tonight, maybe with a tit wank as part of foreplay.

“Mm.”

Tom gently, gently shakes his head, and he takes Josh’s hand with one of his own to remove it from eir cunt.

“No, no. I’m not gonna have kinky sex with my dad sleeping two rooms away, okay?”

“But you’ll still fuck my ass in the most vanilla way possible, right?”

Tom chuckles. “Maybe, Bear.”

“I’ll be real quiet. Promise.”

*

So that’s what they do, essentially. Josh stops thinking about anything as soon as ey’s kneeling on the mattress and easing Tom’s pants down to take his cock out and into eir mouth. When Tom pushes into eir ass, no stretch, ey bites the big towel covering the mattress, and the sudden fullness gets eir already drippy wet cunt even drippier. Or maybe that’s because Tom squeezes eir cheek and lets out a long breath that sounds suspiciously like, “Got such a nice tight cockhole for me.”

He’s not truly _drunk_ , Josh knows he’s not. But he’s the type who doesn’t need much to lower his inhibitions, so he’s just tipsy enough to get into the cheesy humiliating porn dialogue dirty talk that ey’s incredibly weak for.

He gets a muffled “Daddy” for it, too. Josh maybe didn’t mean to let it slip, but it’s too late and it’s already out.

“That’s it, Pet,” Tom whispers.

Then his voice is much closer to Josh’s ear when he properly aligns his chest with eir back. Eir legs shake where ey struggles to keep standing, but ey estimates that Tom will have pressed em down onto the actual bed to claim eir ass soon enough.

“I’m your Daddy and I’ll take care of you.”

His hands slip around eir waist, up to eir breasts once again to do that thing with eir nipples Josh likes, and he draws a tiny circle with his hips and his cock inside Josh.

By the end of it, ey’s got the taste of cock and cum smeared all over eir tongue. The sweat still itches under eir breasts after ey pulls eir shirt back on, and slick sticks to the skin and fur around eir cunt and the insides of eir thighs. Ey feels sated, more sated than the roast earlier tonight made em feel, sated and dizzy and drunk with cock.

There’s no mess on the actual bedding, even if the towel’s soaked with spit and sweat, but the room absolutely reeks of fucking, so Tom cracks a window before he crawls into bed. He doesn’t try to cuddle up next to Josh or spoon behind em, just whispers into eir ear and tucks himself into his half of the duvet.

“Good night, Bear.”

It’s just the right amount, the right amount of whatever it was _too much_ of. Josh hugs one of eir pillows and shuts eir eyes. Eir cunt and arsehole both ache with overstimulation, hamstrings cramping, so ey already knows ey’ll feel it with every movement tomorrow. This is exactly how it’s supposed to be.

*

They get up early to shower. Josh takes the time to blowdry eir hair into big soft waves while Tom has a smoke by the window and strips the messy bedclothes off. After, ey applies an orangey-pink shade of nude lipstick, just a hint of eyeliner and mascara, and ey pulls on eir skinny trousers and the gaudy Christmas jumper Dilys had gifted em. Matching bra and knickers, no binder.

Everything’s in place when ey throws one last glance at the mirror, and yet, ey feels nervous in a way ey hasn’t been in a good ten years at least. Josh runs a hand through eir hair and tousles the new curls just-so to keep them from looking too smooth, and ey presses eir lips on top of each other before ey walks out into the bedroom.

Tom’s sitting on the bare bed, phone in one hand and mass of bedclothes bundled up next to him.

Josh says, “Hey.”

Ey’s all too aware of Tom’s gaze landing on em when he looks up.

“Hey, you.”

“You ready to go?”

“Yeah.” Tom pockets his phone and gets up, and he asks, “You?”

“Yeah.” Josh can’t help but cast eir eyes downwards towards eir chest again. “Is this too much?”

“What?”

“Am I… Do I look dressed up?”

“No. No, no, no.” Tom sets a hand on Josh’s shoulder, and he says, “You look great, okay? You look just right.”

“Okay.”

Josh brushes a lock of hair from eir forehead with one finger, and when Tom leans in for a kiss, ey turns eir face away.

“My lipstick’s not kiss-proof.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Let’s go.”

Really, Josh is just glad to use the lipstick as an excuse. Ey looks back at the bundle of bedclothes one last time. Housekeeping will take care of it, ey knows. Finally, they leave the room to join the family in the dining room downstairs.

*

All in all, everything goes pretty well.

Tom’s dad and his wife let their eyes linger a bit too long when Josh takes eir seat between Tom and one of the two youngest sisters who ey still can’t tell apart. At least the wife’s voice or face doesn’t crack when she offers Josh a bread roll and asks if ey had a good sleep. Which turns into a normal conversation around the table, which eventually turns into some in-family discussion Josh can’t relate to, and that's more than okay, too. It’s easy and the food is good, and Josh’s content with knowing that no one is staring at em. Not yet, at least.

Most of them are done with eating, Josh finished eir cup of tea, and Tom’s hand found its way to eir knee underneath the table when ey decides it’s time.

Ey says, “So.”

From the corner of eir eye, Tom gives em a supportive smile.

“I’ve got something I’d like to tell you.”

Josh’s not sure how ey makes it through explaining it all. Ey _hates_ having the whole coming-out conversation, especially in front of these people, so ey figures ey should start from the beginning. Ey makes it through the part where ey realised ey maybe wasn’t a man after all without being interrupted, and ey bullshits some relatively simple explanation.

“So I guess I’m just _trans_ by now. I feel more like a boy or a girl some days, but usually I’m more in-between.” Ey wants to swallow eir own tongue and choke on it. “And I use _ey_ as a pronoun, it’s like _they_ but without the first two letters. So if you used those when you’re talking about me, it’d be nice.”

Tom still gives em his stupid encouraging smile when ey looks around the table. No one really says anything. It’s just the same smile all over and little nods.

Tom’s dad and one of his older sisters say, “Okay.”

Josh really, really hates having this conversation. Ey nudges what’s left of eir baked beans on the plate with eir fork and absently wonders whether it’s enough that ey could choke on it and provide a distraction.

Finally, the little girl that’s sat next to Josh asks, “Are you a boy or a girl?”

“Yes.” Josh puts on eir best smile and says, “I’m both.”

The girl looks em up and down for a split few seconds, and she says, “Okay.”

All in all, it could’ve been much worse.

*

After breakfast, the whole family exchanges presents, and Josh unwraps the 1989 Sonic Youth bootleg cassette tape Tom got em, and somehow, the day passes. Ey spends a while watching over the children as they play with their gifts, one of Tom’s hands resting on eirs the whole time, which is almost _too much_ again. But Tom ropes em into a conversation about the record ey gave him, and that’s why it’s only _almost_ too much. Eventually, it’s time for lunch, only a light lunch today, and after _that_ , Josh and Tom get lost in conversation with Tom’s oldest two sisters, until eventually it’s time for them all to get ready for dinner.

They’ve got a reservation at a fancy restaurant about an hour away, so Josh takes another shower and slips on the one dress ey brought, one of those tiny jackets to cover eir arms, and ey does eir hair and makeup once more. Ey really appreciates it when Tom walks in and says they’ve got another twenty minutes before they leave, and when he yanks eir tights and knickers down to eir knees to take eir mind off the whole _posh dinner_ thing. Even if it means Josh has to redo eir makeup all over again afterwards.

*

Boxing Day, they take a walk across the grounds surrounding the house, just the two of them after they declined the invitation to come along with Tom’s dad and the wife and kids, as well as the invitation to come along with the older siblings. Either way, the land surrounding the house is so vast Josh doubts they’re going to run into either of those groups. The snow and frozen grass crunches under eir boots, since there’s no defined path, but other than that, it’s quiet, almost comfortably quiet.

Tom reaches out his hand for Josh’s at some point, and ey accepts. Even with eir gloves and scarf and coat and furry hat and thick woollen socks over thick woollen tights, it’s _cold_. At least Tom’s hand is a little warmer than eirs.

“So,” Tom says, breath puffing out in a big cloud, “What do you think?”

It’s the first time they’re really talking one-on-one since the night before Christmas, so it’s obvious what he’s getting at.

Josh says, “Your family thinks I’m a freak.”

“Hey,” Tom says, concern in his voice, as if that had been a self-deprecating comment rather than a simple matter of fact.

“Yeah, they do.”

“What d’you mean?”

“I mean Fred hasn’t spoken to me since I came out in front of everyone, for instance,” Josh says. “Not that I’m surprised.”

“Yeah, he’s… Freddie’s a bit difficult about this stuff,” Tom says.

“Di said he stopped talking to her when she came out to him, and even when she and Joe spent Christmas he didn’t speak to her unless she directly addressed him first.” Which definitely sounds like more than _a bit difficult_ , but Josh’s not going to say that bit out loud.

“He’ll come around eventually.”

Josh’s not surprised that’s all he has to say about it, but ey can’t help but still be disappointed. Ey huffs, silently, but a ball of fog still slips from eir lips.

“Yeah, it’s not just him, though.” Josh pulls eir hand back to adjust eir scarf. Ey’s craving a fag, too, but ey won’t take eir gloves off over that. “All of them, really.”

“I thought they took it really well, honestly.”

“Yeah, that’s what you think.”

“You literally said they took it well.”

“ _Well_ , as in none of them told me I was going against the laws of nature.”

Josh squares eir shoulders and hugs emself around eir middle so ey can push eir tits up towards eir chin. Ey’s wearing so many layers that putting on a bra seemed pointless, and in this coat, ey feels amorphous, like a blob walking on two stumpy legs. At least it keeps em warm, though.

“It’s, like… it’s just a subtle thing, and you’re cis, so you wouldn’t notice.”

Tom coughs, and Josh does not like the sound of that cough.

“Can you explain?”

“Yeah. I guess.” Josh coughs as well. It’s that stupid instinct or whatever it is, probably. “It’s all just so _feigned_ , I mean. They act all accepting and polite and friendly, but you can tell it’s just an act.” Ey fidgets with the fabric of eir coat, through eir fabric-covered hands. “‘cause they always hesitate an extra split second before they talk to me or about me, with my pronouns, and they’re always staring through the corners of their eyes so you can tell they’re ashamed of me, but they’re too posh to say anything.”

Tom makes a noise. “Yeah. Didn’t notice any of that.” Of course he didn’t.

“Yeah, ‘cause you do it, too.”

Josh isn’t bitter, really. Ey doesn’t keep grudges, but ey does want Tom to stop talking out of his arse just because it’s his family this is about.

“The shame thing. At dinner last night, when the waiter asked me what I would like, you literally didn’t let me talk and ordered for me instead ‘cause you didn’t want him to hear what my voice sounds like.”

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Tom says back. “It’s a very high-end restaurant, I thought you might not want a stranger to notice that…”

“That what?” Josh asks. “That my voice doesn’t sound like how people think the voice of someone who looks like me should sound?” Ey shoots Tom a look, and ey says, “I’m not ashamed of my voice or how I look.”

For a few seconds, it’s quiet save for the crunch of their steps, before Tom decides to speak again. “So about what Dilys and Joe said…”

Josh cuts him off right there. “Yeah, Dilys and Joe said, _whatever_. You know I’m different from Dilys and Joe, though.”

“Right.” The way Tom says it, it sounds like he’s trying more than normally to be understanding. He offers his hand again.

Josh pretends not to see.

“Of course Di didn’t say anything like that happened to her. ‘cause she’s a girl, she probably came out and explained she used to be a boy but now she’s a girl. People understand that. They understand _boy_ and _girl_ , and they’re gonna understand if you explain that you can go from one to the other.”

“Yeah.”

“And with me, I’m _not_ … I’m not _boy_ or _girl_. I’m just some thing in between, so people think it’s weird and made-up and I’m just playing pretend but they’ll play along for the time.”

“Yeah,” Tom says once again.

He shrugs, Josh can see it from the corner of eir eye, and ey already feels that whatever he’s about to say can’t possibly be a good thing.

“But it takes some time to get used to, you know,” Tom says, “I’m sure they’re all trying their best at least.”

Josh was right. Ey says, “You sound so cisgender when you say that. More than usually.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s just so exhausting, you know,” Josh says, then. “Actually, you don’t know, but it is. Being around cis people all the time.” Ey doesn’t say that includes being around _him_ , too, but ey really hopes eir tone makes it obvious.

Tom just hums a sound of sort-of-understanding, and it’s quiet for a long time once again.

*

They’re lying in bed that night, naked with the duvet crumpled at the bottom of the mattress, but they left the bedside lamps on during sex so Josh can clearly tell Tom’s just feigning sleep. He’s hugging one of his pillows, eyelids shut but not truly _relaxed_ , too much tension in his lips and in his limbs. He looks a bit pathetic like that, soft cock seemingly smaller with the dark hair surrounding it, and even smaller with the draft from outside.

Earlier tonight, he made up some bullshit errand as an excuse to drive his dad’s rental car to the next petrol station, so he could buy condoms while he was already there, because he knows Josh can’t possibly stay mad when ey’s given the prospect of sex. Josh _hates_ him for knowing that, but the moment’s tender and ey’s well-fucked and slightly tipsy again. Eir head’s full with tender tipsy well-fucked thoughts.

Actually, Josh’s also got goosebumps on eir thighs and eir tits, already sensitive nipples even more sensitive with the cold. Maybe ey should get up and shut the window. So ey does.

Josh wraps emself in the duvet when ey crawls back into bed, and ey drapes the other half of it over Tom’s not-sleeping body, too.

Ey says, “I was thinking again.”

Tom makes a very feigned humming sleep-noise.

“I know you’re awake, so you know.”

“Yeah?”

“You remember when I said I’d let you father my first born child, right?” ey asks. Which is a much more direct approach to this than ey wanted to take, but also the only one ey could think of. Voice clear and even to hide how tight eir throat is, ey says, “I was thinking about that again since I’ve spent so much time around your siblings, and… and you know I always said I’d want to be there for the kid’s whole life, too, so I’d basically be their parent from the moment my surrogate pushes them out. I think I wanna go the step further. So I can actually be there the whole time.”

It’s quiet for a few split seconds too long after Josh says it, and ey decides to shut eir eyes for the time being. For a second, ey’s worried that ey’s the one who made it too much, now. Well, ey basically did just ask Tom to impregnate em.

“Oh my God.” Then, slowly, Tom begins to chuckle, but judged by the bewildered look on his face when Josh looks again, it’s not because of genuine amusement. “I thought you were joking when you said that. About the whole first born child thing.”

“No,” Josh says. It sounds a lot less scary out loud than ey would have anticipated it. “No, I wasn’t.”

Tom’s quiet for a few seconds longer, big eyes blown bigger, and he’s laughing again, low and awkward. “Oh my God,” he says again.

“Stop _laughing_ at me,” Josh insists.

“Did you just decide that? Just now, that you want me to knock you up?” He’s not laughing anymore, but there’s still a smile on his face in the dim light.

Josh wrinkles eir forehead. Ey insists, “I didn’t. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”

Ey had, really, just fleeting thoughts of _what-if_ every once in awhile. Nothing ey was ever going to follow up on, surely, given that eir relationship to Tom only goes as far as sexual. Well, that’s what ey thought, but now ey can’t shake the idea.

“Are you sure?” Tom asks. “D’you really want the… the whole _throwing up_ and _being moody_ and _back aches_ thing?”

The way he says it, it’s very obvious that he’s _not_ ready for Josh to be pregnant. Now it’s Josh who’s cackling, and again, it’s less humour and more a way of relieving stress.

“Of course I’m not _sure_ ,” ey says when it’s stopped, and ey grinds the side of eir face into the pillow for comfort. “I don’t even want to have kids for another several years, I think.”

“Okay,” Tom says. He seems noticeably relieved.

“I’m just now at the point where I think I could do it, I could get pregnant and not spend the whole time hating myself.”

“Okay,” Tom says once again. “In that case I’m okay with that.” Then, he says, “Come here,” as if the conversation was over with that.

Which, Josh supposes, it is. For the next few years, at least. Ey does move across the mattress, though, to bury eir face in the hollow of warm skin underneath Tom’s throat, and Tom wraps his arms around eir back.

“Okay, Bear?”

“Yeah, okay.” It’s almost definitely too much, but Josh doesn’t want to pull away.

“Hey,” ey says instead, into the warm skin and hair of Tom’s chest. “D’you think you can get hard again so you can fuck me some more?”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Please,” Josh insists. “You can do it. I believe in you.”

Tom presses a kiss down into the part of Josh’s hair. “Maybe.”

And it turns out he can, eventually, so that’s exactly what he does.


End file.
